


when the nightmares come

by lilija_the_red



Category: S.C.I.谜案集 | S.C.I. Mystery (TV)
Genre: Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nightmares, Pining, Pre-Relationship, Sharing a Bed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-19
Updated: 2019-03-11
Packaged: 2019-08-26 06:37:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 15,523
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16676455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilija_the_red/pseuds/lilija_the_red
Summary: “Physical closeness throughout the night helps the brain dealing with the stress presented by nightmares.”Bai Yutong tells Zhan Yao





	1. 1

Zhan Yao sighs, pressing the palms of his hands against his sore eyes. Trying desperately to get some of the throbbing migraine to disappear from behind his temples. But it’s to no use.

He has tried a lot already. But what he needs – really needs – is sleep. Unfortunately, he hasn’t been able to get any solid amount of sleep in the past week. Something’s been keeping him awake and his mind running. He seems to not be able to catch a break. And even in the rare occasions, when he finally manages to fall asleep due to some miracle, he’s soon enough woken up by nightmares. Sweat dripping down his body, his clothes clinging to the damp skin; every night, without fault … Pictures of the last nights are flooding his mind, he can feel the panic rising up inside him again. All those emotions that visit him every time, night and night again. Zhan Yao forces his breath to even out, concentrating on steady in- and outtakes of air. Bringing his racing pulse down to a more normal level.  
  
In and out. _Breathe_.  
  
He’s pushing the pictures in his mind away, far away from his consciousness. At least for now. Sure enough, he’ll be confronted with them, most likely whenever his next poor attempt of sleep will occur. But the pictures alone, pictures of crime scenes, of perps and victims alike, places and stories all connected with Zhao Jue – these are not the worst. The worst are the emotions flooding him, whenever he sees or imagines those pictures. And with them the suggestions. Bribing. The feelings rolling over him like a steam roller, taking control over him. Suffocating his mind and soul. Words, symbols, sometimes only thin lines… done in ink, chalk or, from time to time, even blood. In the end, it doesn’t matter what they’re made of, though. They always have the same effect on him.

Given the specialty of this particular problem, Zhan Yao has doubted early on, that any common known household remedy against nightmares and insomnia would be of any use for him. Still, he has tried.  A nighttime routine has been easily established, he’d already had one anyway and simply adjusted it more to the liking of the articles he’d consulted. The room temperature is exactly as low as it is advised. So is his bed. He already doesn’t indulge much in alcohol, so cutting it out hasn’t been the worst. Caffeine however has proven to be more of a problem. Especially with every sleepless night piling up, the lack of caffeine has become more and more of a problem. Especially at work. Zhan Yao even had tried exercising to exhaust himself before bed, despite his distaste for it.

But still: He finds himself awake night after night, lying in bed. Or, well, he stopped lying in bed, after he had read the advice, that you shouldn’t do so. Yet, walking through the apartment hasn’t really helped with falling asleep, either. Additionally, to make all of this even more difficult, with the threats closing in on Zhan Yao, Bai Yutong has been sleeping over a lot more recently, again, too.

Zhan Yao sighs. With Bai Yutong around he can’t even spend the worst sleepless nights on the couch and read. Or walk through the rooms. Not without risking Bai Yutong to find out about his sleeping problems. Somehow it feels … wrong, to have him know.  
Bai Yutong would be too worried. Especially given the fact, that he couldn’t do anything to help. It would drive Bai Yutong crazy. He doesn’t want to do that to him.

No, he would deal with this on his own.

 

* * *

 

 

Another night without sleep.

Another night of not being able to rest. Zhan Yao listens into the emptiness of the room. He desperately needs rest. He’s starting to make mistakes at work, not getting clues, not being able to connect the dots presented so obviously to him. Clues, presented to him on a silver tablet and he? He's too unfocused to even notice. This can’t go on like this any longer!

Suddenly, Zhan Yao gets snapped out of his brooding without warning. Zhan Yao feels the mattress behind him dipping under new weight and freezes. He hadn’t heard the door opening. Or someone entering. Worry is flooding his brain, but before he can turn around, an arm sneaks around his waist, pulling him back against another solid and deliciously warm body. A very familiar body.  Zhan Yao’s breath hitches.

“Relax”, Bai Yutong murmurs from behind. His voice is hoarse from sleep. The breath leaving his mouth as he speaks tickles Zhan Yao’s ear, making a shiver run down his spine.

They lie like this for a couple of moments, without either of them saying a word. Zhan Yao blames it on his distinct sleep deprivation, but he’s without words, his mind racing, his body frozen in shock. Has he passed the line of hallucinating while being awake, now? After a moment he hears Bai Yutong talk again.

“I thought”, he stops.

“Physical closeness throughout the night helps the brain dealing with the stress presented by nightmares.” He finishes. The words sound strangely familiar, Zhan Yao thinks. And nothing like Bai Yutong.

“What are you talking about?”

“It’s what they’ve printed in that article. Some study done by some doctor I forgot the name of. Li Quin? Something like that? Anyway”, Bai Yutong sighs, another ghost of breath strokes his neck and Zhan Yao has bring up all of his last remaining will power to fight the urge to run his hands over the exposed skin of his neck, following the prickling sensation left behind. Instead he buries his hands into the comforter, eager to keep himself from doing something stupid.

“You left the article on the kitchen counter.” Bai Yutong adds.

Ah.

_Oh._

Zhan Yao can feel his face heating up. Suddenly, he’s very thankful for the darkness, hiding his face from Bai Yutong’s eyes.

His mind is racing. Bai Yutong has noticed his sleeping problems. He has found the articles. And he has read the articles. Actually remembered the essence even and now… Now, Zhan Yao suddenly notices just how close they really are. In his bed. Bai Yutong is in his bed. He can feel Bai Yutong’s chest heave behind him, his legs pressed against his, the arm around his torso, pressing down gently. Bai Yutong's face somewhere at his neck. His hand on his stomach, its warmth sweeping through the cloth of Zhan Yao’s t-shirt, taking over his cold skin, warming him up bit by bit.

Zhan Yao feels lost. His tired brain proofs itself unable to form anything close to intelligent words and so he remains silent.

 “It’s just an offer.”  
Zhan Yao frowns. Bai Yutong’s voice almost sounds… embarrassed? No, that can’t be right…

Bai Yutong seems to misjudge the silence. With a flick of panic Zhan Yao feels how Bai Yutong retrieves the hand from where it has been on Zhan Yao, leaving behind only the ghost of a touch. He grabs onto Bai Yutong’s hand quickly, too quickly, keeping him from moving further away.

“No!” Zhan Yao says abruptly. He continues, slower. “No, I… I’d like to try. If it’s okay for you.”

With their bodies pressed together this close, he can _feel_ Bai Yutong chuckle. It makes him feel warm and fuzzy and… oh god, this is not good. Maybe taking him up on the offer wouldn’t be the best idea. But being on his own, doesn’t feel right either.

Zhan Yao tries to calm down and concentrate on something different than the soft movement coming from Bai Yutong’s body, concentrate on something different than the warmth radiating from him, the calmness he emits; he tries to not think about the feeling of Bai Yutong’s nose pressed against his neck, lips and breath ghosting over bare skin. He tries to not think about any of this.

And he fails miserably.

“Silly kitten”, Bai Yutong’s voice is soft, making Zhan Yao’s chest ache even more. “Would I have offered if not?”

No, you wouldn’t, Zhan Yao thinks, a smile hinting on his lips. Bai Yutong rarely does anything he doesn't want to do. It's rather irritating more often than not.

Within a second Bai Yutong’s hand is pressed against Zhan Yao’s stomach again, the weight of his arm already becoming familiar.

It feels good, Zhan Yao thinks. It feels somehow safe. It feels … right.

 

“I’m not used to share the bed.” Zhan Yao says into the silence between them, not sure what he even wants to achieve with this kind of information.

 

Bai Yutong chuckles lowly, the vibration pleasantly taking over both their bodies.

“I’ll manage.”

 

Bai Yutong is so close, he can feel his lips brushing his neck, making his heartbeat quicken up even more. Another squeeze and then - 

 

“Now try to sleep, kitten. I’ll be here when you wake up.”

 

* * *

 

Despite everything, the dreams still come.

Zhan Yao finds himself standing in a field. No, a room. Is it a cell? The surroundings changing too fast, constantly shifting. It’s impossible to make out anything clear, recognizing one consistent place and differentiating it from others. Concentrating on it makes him feel dizzy, Zhan Yao has learned this by now. He recognizes this dream. After countless times of waking up and throwing up right away, it has imprinted inside his mind.

He avoids paying attention to the walls surrounding him and lets himself concentrate only to the clues in front. In the middle of the room is a picture, left behind by someone else. An artwork. He steps forward, closer to the picture on the ground. The place he’s supposed to go, he knows it. The dream plays out like before, something pulling into the middle of the room, the business of the room... The only strange thing – the only thing different so far - is the absence of panic and headaches.

Zhan Yao reaches the middle of the room, after what feels both like an hour and a second. In front of him he finds an enormous eye, carved into the ground, the little rills filled up with blood. He has seen this symbol before. He recalls it from other nights before. And he knows what will happen. Surely enough the eye starts pulsating, the little shock waves ruffling the blood in the rills.

Zhan Yao watches the little waves and prepares himself for the almost unbearable pain, surely waiting ahead. Pictures appear in front of his eyes. Spinning around him, faster and faster, following some unpredictable pattern. It’s making his head dizzy and his stomach turn. He can feel it, pulling at his mind, as if it tries to strip him off his soul all way through. Then voices start screaming. They are screaming in unfamiliar tongues, words he doesn’t get, meanings hidden from him. Zhan Yao takes a deep breath and prepares himself for the panic surely rising up any moment now, the flood of frightening emotions starting up somewhere inside. But nothing comes. No fear. No panic. Strangely enough he feels – calm. This has never happened before.

Zhan Yao is stunned for a second, blinking into the dancing pictures. He has never managed to get past this moment of overwhelming fear. Past the pain. Has never managed to block it out before.  He steps closer to the swirling pictures, trying to make them slow down, to pick up what they’re showing. Maybe if he can get the hints, if he solves the puzzle hidden in his mind, maybe then he’ll be able to bring an end to this whole show of nightmares.  
Zhan Yao concentrates all his will power onto the pictures, swirling up and down and around him. But slowly, slowly he manages to stop one or two in their wild flying in front of his eyes. He reaches up, his fingertip meeting the imaginary picture. Upon the impact the picture disappears in a swirl, leaving only a black canvas behind. Darkness falls over Zhan Yao. When he opens his eyes, he finds himself at a cell. He quickly recognizes it as Zhao Jue’s cell. He looks around, remembering parts from the times he's visited during the  day.  
  
This room's walls seem solid for once, Zhan Yao notices, relieved. There are chalk drawings scattered on walls and floor. It reminds him of the day they’ve met Zhao Jue for the first time. Maybe he should feel some kind of wariness. Maybe even fear of the unknown, of whatever will await him here. But, instead, Zhan Yao is filled with a strange feeling of steadiness. His eyes wander around the room, searching for … well, what exactly is he looking for? As he combs the cell, his eyes fall on something in one of the corners towards the exit. It’s a small drawing, anchored in a way that makes it only appear the viewer in the certain angle and position. Zhan Yao scowls, moving in closer. He crouches down, his fingers itching to reach out. Itching to touch the drawing made up of weird scribbles, following a command, not explainable to himself. Without willing to, he sees himself reaching out to touch the drawing. When his fingertips meet the concrete wall, everything falls into darkness.

Zhan Yao wakes up with a scream.

 

* * *

 

 

Zhan Yao is wide awake within a second and contrary to his hammering heart in his chest, he’s filled up with an odd calmness. His eyes try to adjust to the darkness in his bedroom. Only now, does he recognize his surroundings. And the other person in his bed. Familiar arms around him. Shared blankets. He needs a moment, though, to remember why exactly Bai Yutong is lying in his bed. He can feel Bai Yutong move behind him, his arm still firm around Zhan Yao’s middle.

“Zhan Yao?” Bai Yutong’s voice is muffled, mouth somewhere pressed against his back. “You’ve screamed. In your dream.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you.” Zhan Yao says, earning himself a grunt.

“Not the point.” Bai Yutong snarls. Then, with a softer tone. “You had a nightmare again?”  
Bai Yutong’s hand wanders up to his chest, where his heart is still hammering behind his ribs. Zhan Yao inhales sharply.

“I think, I had a bad dream.”

Bai Yutong stays silent.

“But it’s … it has not been as bad as usual.”

“How do you feel?”

Zhan Yao takes a moment to consider his answer. To his surprise he means it when he says: “I feel good? Calm even.”

“So, this is working then?”

Zhan Yao thinks. It’s too early to say anything concrete. And he has still woken up, instead of sleeping through. But then again, he has never felt this calm after waking up. Sure, his pulse is still up, but he doesn’t feel like throwing up, doesn’t feel the need to flee the bed. He doesn’t feel haunted. The other nights he has always shied away from falling asleep again and return to the dream, but now that his breathing gets under control again, his pulse is calming down and with Bai Yutong right behind him – he actually feels fine.

“I think I need to make more research and…”

“Great. Do research. Now. Sleep.”

Zhan Yao won’t argue with that.

Zhan Yao squirms for another moment before he settles back against Bai Yutong, the feeling of another person in his bed, still unused to him. Bai Yutong's hand runs soothing circles over his arms and back, leaving behind trails of warmth on his skin. Zhan Yao closes his eyes, listening in and lets Bai Yutong’s breathing and lets the rhythm lull him back into sleep. Back into the dream. Back to the unfinished puzzle.

 

* * *

 

 

Zhan Yao has slept. Not only did he sleep. He’s slept _well_.  
At least in comparison to the nights before.

But now, he thinks, stealing another glimpse at the sleeping Bai Yutong next to him, carefully ignoring the aching rising up inside him. Now, he finds himself presented with a bigger problem than nightmares, connected to feelings nevertheless. By now Zhan Yao has become so used to waking up in cold sweat. Him waking up in a warm embrace is something wonderfully new. And only a tiny bit terrifying.

He’s been awake for a while. But Bai Yutong had been sleeping so peacefully, he hasn’t had the heart to wake him up just yet. Bai Yutong could use some sleep, too, Zhan Yoa has decided. Also he could really go without Bai Yutong noticing any of Zhan Yao’s confusion. Besides the fear of interrupting Bai Yutong's slumber, Zhan Yao himself very well could still think about the parameters of last night, while still staying in bed, so there’s really no difference between standing up and doing so in the living room or staying just right here. No need to hurry, he tells himself, closing his eyes again, his head softly rising and falling with Bai Yutong’s chest.

 

* * *

 

 

The next time he opens his eyes, he’s alone in bed. Which, by all honesty, is a normal thing for him and, by all means, shouldn’t make him feel as empty as it does. Still he can’t help the feeling inside. He forces himself to ignore it though and trains his mind to concentrate on other things. Last night for example. Surprisingly enough, the physical closeness of some other person has actually helped, making it possible for Zhan Yao to engage with the dream. Memories of touches and warmth try to swarm his brain again, but he fights them down and concentrates on the dreams instead.  
  
He has to write it all down, or he’d forget all the details! Zhan Yao thinks and pulls out a notebook from within the nightstand.

He’s still sitting over his notes, when Bai Yutong sticks his head back into the bedroom a few minutes later.

“Oh good, you are awake! You are pretty grumpy waking up, did you know? I tried to wake you before but you wouldn't have it." Bai Yutong considers him for a moment, before he adds: “You look better than yesterday, not good yet, but better.”

Zhan Yao abandons his notes to look up at Bai Yutong, eyebrow arched. “Is that supposed to be a compliment?”

“Decide for yourself”, Bai Yutong shrugs and steps away from the door. “Be out in 3, I’ve made breakfast!”

Zhan Yao looks after him, the all too familiar tug inside his chest far too prominent for his liking. With a sigh he follows after Bai Yutong.


	2. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They quickly work out a rhythm.  
> -  
> (Only their hearts disobey)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks to all you lovely commenting, leaving kudos and somehow subscribing even though this was first published as a stand alone? Thank you to all of you, because you made me want to explore this more <3

Even before the nightmares have started, and with them this little arrangement of theirs, Bai Yutong had stayed at his place a lot. And now he’s just constantly there. Easy as that.

It’s nice, Zhan Yao thinks. Comforting.

And absolutely nerve wrecking.

Having Bai Yutong in his space is nothing new, something he easily accepts as given most of the times. But something makes it different now. He can’t quiet describe it, only knows that it is. There’s a different air between them. It’s probably tied to the fact of them waking up in the same bed and laying down together at night. He’d come this far into his conduction already. But no matter how hard it is on Zhan Yao’s nerves, how badly it makes his heart ache sometimes … Zhan Yao wouldn’t want to change it.

Even when every little innocent touch, ignites fires underneath his skin. Even when every time Bai Yutong’s arms wrap around him at night, his heart starts beating just quick bit faster than before. Even when every conversation in the dim light of his bedroom, with them so close together, when this just feels right and normal and as it would stay like this forever (which can’t be true, he knows).  
  
Despite all this, he wouldn’t want to change it; not really. Zhan Yao does wonder, however, how his long built up immunity to any of Bai Yutong’s touches, his mastered-up composure around the other man, built through years of training; years of training himself to be just… how all that could have faltered so easily. And how he could care so little about it, too.

Zhan Yao heaves a sigh. He would have to work on this, address this emotional mess inside him, as soon as this whole show would be over. And then, then they could go back to normal. Yes. Normal. That’s what he wants, after all, isn’t it? Going back to normal. It’s what’s best for the both of them.

(Somehow, he doesn’t really feel convinced by himself…)

 

* * *

 

They quickly work out a rhythm after the first night together. It all becomes a habit, that neither feels the need to talk about. It just is. Sometime in the evening, one of them would make a move to get ready for bed and the other one simply follows. The arranging of bodies in the bed is still something so quite unfamiliar to him; but just as most things in their lives, when it’s them, it clicks easy enough. (As long as the thing at stake isn’t an argument or bet. Those rarely go as smoothly). And no matter how often they lie down together, every time without fail it makes his heart go fast. His palms sweaty. His stomach fuzzy and his chest aches just a bit. Every – damn – time. And without fail, every time, he tries hard to will away any of these emotions.

In the end, Zhan Yao is grateful for Bai Yutong’s help. And what a help it proofs to be! He has slept through most the nights in the past week, which just a two weeks ago would have been unthinkable to him. It’s just all this closeness takes a toll on his sanity. In a different manner than the dreams do, but still.

Naturally some nights are better than others. Some nights are filled with too dark material, that not even Bai Yutong’s presence is enough to fight off the fear and panic rising within Zhan Yao. In those nights, neither of them sleeps, because Bai Yutong refuses to let him stay up on his own. He’s not sure, what exactly Bai Yutong fears him to do, if left alone. Make himself something to eat and set the kitchen on fire? Sometimes he wonders, if Bai Yutong is aware that normally, if this whole nightmare situation wouldn't be a thing, that then he would be alone here anyway. That Zhan Yao is actually an adult and completely capable of being self-sufficient. Well, at least, when ordering take out is a viable option.

Zhan Yao has stopped fighting with Bai Yutong over those nights. At first he had tried to reason with Bai Yutong. That even if Zhan Yao wouldn't get any sleep, at least Bai Yutong could. But it's to no use. And for once Zhan Yao had found himself unwilling to put the energy into convincing a stubborn Bai Yutong, who has set his mind on a particular thing. (He wouldn’t admit it, but secretely he is relieved, to not be alone in those nights. He wouldn’t have asked for it, but when the dreams are too dark, the emotional pain too strong to go back to sleep… in those nights having Bai Yutong with him and just being able to talk with him, helps loosening the knot imbedded inside Zhan Yao's stomach. It grounds him in the moment, in reality.)

He can already feel how he’s getting used to it, though. To have Bai Yutong around. Not only during work, or his free time, but always. He’s getting used to Bai Yutong’s sleepy voice in the mornings or when he's just there when a particular wild dream keeps Zhan Yao from going back to sleep. Yutong’s calming words and caressing hands, wandering over his body, trying to calm him down. Those feather light presses of lips, soft kisses against his neck, his temple, the crown of his head – chaste and fast and secret, when Yutong holds him close and believes him to not pay attention or already asleep. (None of them ever acknowledges these, but Zhan Yao could get really used to those, too. Really used. He doesn’t dare to think too much about them, though. For his own heart’s sake.)

He puts down the pen and leans his elbows on the table. Being distracted by his non academical thoughts, he hasn’t managed to write anything of substance in the past half hour, anyway. A frown appears on his face. He can’t let himself get too distracted. These essays need to get done, soon, so –

A set of hands are placed a top of his shoulders, making him jump.

“Hey”, Bai Yutong’s voice is soft, questioning. “You okay?” He lets his fingers move a little, massaging smoothing circles into Zhan Yao's shoulders, tense from sitting all day at the desk. He lets out a sigh and leans into the touch, closing his eyes. It’s soothing, the movement already making the tension leave his muscles.

“I’m fine. Why do you ask?”

“I just haven’t seen you in a while. I wanted to check, if you are still breathing. Any progress on the paper?”

Zhan Yao wants to shrug, but he’s afraid, Yutong would stop, so he simply shakes his head. “Not as much as I’d planned.”

Bai Yutong hums. “You should take a break, then. It’s getting late anyway.”

The unsaid **_we should go to bed_** hangs in the air between them.

Zhan Yao throws the paper in front of him a look. He needs it done in a few days, but then again, his concentration has long since signed off. He’s too tired, his mind too distracted. Going to bed with Bai Yutong now, also sounds like a very good thing to do. Then again, didn’t he just thought scold himself for getting too used to it? Too dependent? Bai Yutong has always been his weakest spot. Has been since their childhood times. Even when they’d been separated for a few years, this had never changed. And he knows it’s the same for Bai Yutong, too. He hesitates. Maybe not to exactly the same degree as Zhan Yao, he thinks, but still.

Weak spot or not Zhan Yao is well aware, they could not go on like this forever. Bai Yutong can’t fight off his nightmares for the rest of his life. (Plus, he probably doesn’t want to do this forever, either). No, it’s time that they get progress on the case at hand. Maybe if they would just get their hands on Zhao Jue, maybe then they would be able to decode these weird dreams of his. But to do that, he needs to be awake.

Bai Yutong has stopped the little massage and leans over Zhan Yao’s shoulder, eyes trained on the page. With him so close, Zhan Yao can smell Bai Yutong’s aftershave, the peppermint prominent and already so familiar. Even his pillows have started smelling like it.

“What are you looking for?”

“I just want to check where you’re at. Looks like you could take that break now.” Another squeeze and Bai Yutong’s hands start pulling him away from the desk. “Come on then.”

“Pf, and you call me a needy cat.”

“Because you are”, as if to underline his statement, he lets his fingers run over the sensitive spot right behind Zhan Yao’s ear, who instinctively irks into the touch. “See? You are a needy cat, and I", he makes a dramatic pause.  "I’m just a persistent mouse. Not the same as needy.” With that he lets go off Zhan Yao and head off.

Zhan Yao only shakes his head, but he follows after Bai Yutong, who’s making his way to their bedroom.

Their bedroom? Zhan Yao, takes a deep breath. _His bedroom_ , he reminds himself. Not theirs, _his_.  

 

* * *

 

It’s only when Zhan Yao has to leave for a psychology congress in another city, that Bai Yutong can’t accompany him on, that he realizes just how used he really has become to not going to sleep on his own, though. How quickly he’s became used to Bai Yutong sharing his bed. Bai Yutong behind him, his hand somewhere on his body, pressing them just that bit closer together. Bai Yutong’s scent on the pillows. His warmth shared underneath the covers.

He dreads going to a bed in this unfamiliar hotel room. He doesn’t want to lie down in a bed, so unfamiliar and alien; without anyone to share it. Without Bai Yutong to share it. (Lets be real, he wouldn’t let anybody but him into this space, anyway.)

It may be childish, but still he finds himself putting off actually going to bed. Instead he re-reads his lecture for the upcoming day, skims through his colleagues’ essays, making notes here and there… adamant to make good use of the time spent not sleeping. Maybe it would tire himself out enough, to make it through the night. It never has worked before so far, but who knows.

He hasn’t slept on his own in over a week. He’s not sure if –

The beeping of his mobile phone distracts him from his thoughts. It’s a text from Bai Yutong. A small smile surrounds his lips, as he opens the message.

_BYT: > Put your pen down and get something to eat, before you starve yourself out. <_

_BYT: > Try the room service. <_  


_ZY: > What if I’m not working and have already gotten something? <_  


_BYT: > Pretty unlikely <_  


Zhan Yao huffs a laugh, not wanting to admit that Bai Yutong is actually right. He had completely forgotten to get himself anything to eat since the early morning.

The next time he checks his phone another hour has passed, one message still left unread.

 

_BYT: > Sleept tight. Good luck tomorrow <_

 

* * *

 

In the end Zhan Yao does lie down eventually. Lying there, Bai Yutong’s absence becomes even clearer to him, the feeling of something missing, weighing him down. He shuts his eyes, forcing himself to relax. To breath. Sleeping on his own shouldn’t be too hard after just one week of company, he thinks. Or better: hopes. He has to eventually get used to it again, anyway, Zhan Yao reminds himself, pulling the blanket tighter around himself.

He makes it through the night. But he doesn’t sleep.

~

There’s a message waiting for him in the morning. Some well wishes. The last sentence a quick innocent question about his night and sleep. Zhan Yao doesn’t have the heart to lie. He also doesn’t want to make Bai Yutong worry. He thinks about a possible answer, but nothing. So, he locks his phone, leaving the message unanswered.

~

One day later and he’s almost back home. Finally. He hasn’t slept the second night, either, though not because he wasn’t trying. But the dreams… they were becoming too brutal, too much, too fast. It made him stop trying to sleep at all in the end. He did answer Bai Yutong’s text though, telling him about his day and wishing him a good night. He doesn’t mention the topic sleep or nightmares once.

~

He may have not told Bai Yutong about the sleepless nights, but in the end it doesn’t matter. When Zhan Yao steps out from inside the airport’s gate, Bai Yutong only takes one look at Zhan Yao and decides to cancel reservations and head straight home.

“Unbelievable, you are away for three days and come back looking like death has visited you twice! Have you slept at all?”

“I’ve tried.” Zhan Yao shrugs, weariness tagging at his mind.

Bai Yutong shakes his head and takes Zhan Yao’s carry on bag into one hand and closes his other hand around Zhan Yao's elbow. He pulls him along, hurrying for the exit, and he lets him.

“Come on, then. No restaurant today, we’ll order something. Or I cook.” He gives him a once over, the moment they stop in front of the car. “Whatever takes less time and brings you closer to sleep.”

Being patronized like this is utterly ridiculous. At the same time it’s also quite endearing, Zhan Yao thinks, fighting a grin. He can’t bring himself to object, too tired, but also too contempt in Bai Yutong’s presence. He considers acting up a little, push some of Bai Yutong’s buttons, just for the sake of it. But he doesn’t feel like that right now. He’s tired and hungry and the perspective to have Bai Yutong make him something to eat and then going to bed, actually sounds like heaven to him right now.

 

* * *

 

 

Zhan Yao is alone. The flat is empty. The pictures on screen are flashing, music is filling up the room, but he doesn’t pay attention to any of it. If asked he wouldn’t be able to say what movie is on.

It’s already dark outside, the streetlights have been long lit. Long after Bai Yutong has stormed off after a particularly nasty fight. After he left, Zhan Yao had expected him to come back around right away, but he didn’t. Even hours later there is still no sign of him. Zhan Yao has accepted it by now. What could he do about it, really?

They couldn’t agree on the upcoming steps of an operation, disagreed on the risk Zhan Yao is willing to put in – a plausible risk, in Zhan Yao’s eyes. Bai Yutong had disagreed. Vehemently. This has, by far, not been their first fight, but Zhan Yao can’t shake of the feeling that there is more to it tonight. After all, he had noticed Bai Yutong being more difficult lately, cranky even. Most of the times you wouldn’t notice, most people didn’t notice at all, but to Zhan Yao it’s been obvious.  
He’s been acting more impulsive, more rigid, jumpy. It feels like something is on his mind, constantly, pulling him down. Distracting him.

It makes Zhan Yao worry. He even tried to bring it up. Granted, bringing it up during a moment of tension, which later should be classified as fight, has not been his brightest moment.

Zhan Yao eyes fall on his phone on the desk in front of him. He wants to check it so badly, just like he has wanted for the past hours. Wants to know if maybe there’s a message telling him where Bai Yutong is. That he’s okay.

But he doesn’t follow through. No, he doesn’t care if there’s a message of Bai Yutong on it or not. He does not. Bai Yutong is a big guy, if he needs some time out, he’ll find a place. He’s probably at home already. His own apartment. Not Zhan Yao’s. Of course. Of course...

When he closes his eyes, the scene from earlier comes alive again. He recalls the wild look in Bai Yutong’s eyes, the fury. It burns within Bai Yutong, always, Zhan Yao muses. He’s calm and collected most of the times, but Zhan Yao knows the power sleeping within. They've known each other so long, by now. He had seen glimpses before, at work and other places and then today again.

But that’s not it. That’s not what makes him so weary, so conflicted. The fury he’s familiar of, he trusts it, understands it. That is not the problem. He can’t quiet pin down what is different than normally, what he can’t place, but he knows that there’s something. It makes him feel uneasy, not being able to pin it down. Usually he’s so good at reading Bai Yutong. But now… there had been something in Bai Yutong’s eyes, not only fury and passion; something new. But… He shakes his head, shaking away the feeling and the pictures all together. He won’t think about it! Not anymore, not today. They will see each other the next day at work. They could talk it out then. Like normal adults.

It sounds so logical, but still, no matter how much logic he tries to apply, it doesn’t solve the knot in his throat and the sunken feeling in his stomach.  


With a stiff quib he shuts off the tv and heads for the bedroom. He would have to spend the night on his own anyway, better get it over with quickly. (Or fail at it early on, so he could think about something else to do tonight.)

He hasn’t lied there long, when the closing of the front door catches his attention. He concentrates, listens into the flat, but when he hears nothing, he files it away as mistake. His mind playing a cruel trick on him.

Or not. A moment later Bai Yutong stands in the door frame. Seeing him there feels like a lightning bolt sizzling through his body.

“Bai Yutong.” It’s all Zhan Yao can say.

Bai Yutong just nods, chin tense, eyes hard. He takes his sleeping wear from the drawer, then he’s out the room, again. Zhan Yao stares at the now vacant door frame. For a moment he wonders if his mind has started to digest and plays tricks on him, making him see things now, making him see Bai Yutong, when he’s obviously not there. He wonders if he’s really that gone already, but sure enough just a few seconds later the light in the corridor dies and Bai Yutong slips into the room.

“I’m still mad at you, you know.” Bai Yutong says quietly, as he lies down next to Zhan Yao. “We still have to talk about it tomorrow.”

He swallows hard. “I know.”

“Good.” Bai Yutong says, moving in close behind him. He seems to hesitate but sure enough only moments later he reaches out for Zhan Yao, bringing their bodies together. “Tomorrow.”

Zhan Yao hums in agreement, unable to form any coherent sentence. A big wave of relief washes over him.

Bai Yutong is here, he thinks, and lets himself sink into the embrace; into Bai Yutong. He can already feel how the tension leaves his body. They lie silently. Zhan Yao listens in on the even breathing, feels the movement in the other man’s body and relaxes.

“Thank you”, he whispers. (Thank you for coming back, thank you for being here, thank you.) He believes it to be too quiet for Bai Yutong to catch it, but then he feels a brief squeeze, a small smile appears on his face. He falls asleep with a tired smile still on his lips. Tomorrow they would talk, but tonight, tonight Yutong's still here.

(This night there are no secret kisses pressed against his skin. He tries not to think about it, too much.)

 

* * *

 

They capture Zhao Jue eventually. It was risky, Zhan Yao had succeeded playing the bait, making Yutong furious in the go. But it worked out fine.

He makes his way over to Yutong, a victorious smile on his lips.

“See? It worked out fi-“ He’s cut short by Yutong pulling him into a crashing hug.

“Just – shut up, will you?” Yutong grits out, his grip tightening on Zhan Yao. He squeezes so hard, it makes it difficult to breathe freely, but Zhan Yao doesn’t mind. Instead he puts his arms around Bai Yutong’s back and closes his eyes. (He pretends not to feel the shaking in Bai Yutong’s body. And for a moment he questions himself for taking the risk before.)

When Yutong finally lets go off him, he doesn’t look at Zhan Yao, stepping away just a bit.

“Lets go home.”

Zhan Yao doesn’t argue, doesn’t say a thing, as he watches Yutong hurrying off. Of course, he follows after him, of course he does.  


_Home_ , he thinks.  


Now with Zhao Jue arrested, there’s no reason for Bai Yutong not to go back to his own apartment. No reason left to keep him company.

_Lets go home…_

The word leaves a bittersweet taste in his mouth.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> like always, thank you for reading, feedback is well apreciated :)


	3. 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the days after the nightmares

_[the day of the arrest]_

With Zhao Jue out of the picture the dreams should stop, leaving no reason for Bai Yutong to stay over for the nights, anymore.

“Except, what if the nightmares are not in fact stopping? One more night taken or given, won’t make any difference.” Yutong had said when they'd reached home, shrugging non-chalantly. He had accepted it, of course he did, but he wouldn’t see this offer as anything but what it actually is. Of course, Yutong wants to make sure, that Zhan Yao is truly okay. That’s just how he is. Nothing more, nothing less. No other bigger motivations hidden behind it. Zhan Yao really has to stop hoping, has to stop interpreting gestures and words for what they simply are not. All of this, all the nights together, huddled up in the same bed, sharing blankets, space and warmth – all of it has been only because Yutong is that kind of person, who would go length for the people he cares for. But caring for, doesn’t mean love. He has to remind himself of that. Has to make sure to have these distinctives clear.

When Zhan Yao looks up, he catches Yutong staring at him. Yutong’s eyes widen for a moment, as if he’s waiting… oh. He hasn’t given him an answer yet. Zhan Yao feels the blush rising up his neck.

“That’s really nice of you, Bai Yutong. Thank you.”

Yutong holds his gaze for a little moment longer before he turns away.

“You’re impossible, cat.” Yutong mumbles.

“What did you say?”

“Nothing”, he answers. “Nothing.”

~

Ironically enough, when they later lie down, he can’t find himself to fall asleep. Even with Bai Yutong beside him. Or maybe because he’s there. One last time. Zhan Yao can’t fight the feeling of a bittersweet goodbye, seething inside him. He hates it. When did he become so melodramatic anyway? It’s not the end of the world. And it’s not like he would loose Bai Yutong. He couldn’t imagine that. And he doesn’t want to.

He doesn’t need to either, he reminds himself.

In contrast to him, Yutong seems fast asleep, dreaming blissfully. Zhan Yao just lies there, quietly, Yutong’s arm wrapped around him, feeling the warmth, the steady breathing … and for just a moment he feels brave. He forbids himself to rethink and instead turns around in Bai Yutong’s arms, reaching over the other man’s side, pushing in close. He has been thinking about it before, but it has always felt … off. They’ve found a rhythm. Breaking it, changing up bits and pieces has felt like a violation of a non-spoken contract. But this would be the last night he could, so he would.

Yutong starts mumbling. Zhan Yao can’t make out what he’s saying, despite being so close to him. He’s not prepared when Yutong tightens his grip on him and pulls him even closer. Suddenly he finds himself pressed up against Yutong’s chest. The same way he woke up only three weeks ago, when Yutong has stayed with him for the first time.

Three weeks.

Can it really have been only three weeks for him to lose himself like this in - whatever this is? He should have backed away earlier, when his heart still had a chance to endure.

“I can hear you thinking. It’s too loud.”

“You are ridiculous.”

Yutong just hums, eyes still closed and presses his lips against Zhan Yao’s forehead.

“Sleep.”

Zhan Yao freezes at the kiss.

He has to bring up all his willpower not to press in, not to demand more. Pressing his lips against Bai Yutong’s would be so easy… but it’s not the right time. It’s not. So, he doesn’t.

 

Sleep takes a long time to claim him, that night.

 

* * *

 

_[three days after the arrest]_

Zhan Yao is at his desk, in his office at the S.C.I. . The last file for the Zhao Jue case in front of him. One last bit and the case is done. Just as his dreams are. He still can’t believe it to be over.

He’s happy. They’ve captured Zhao Jue, they’ve solved the dream-puzzle and they could stop him from doing further harm. For all it means he _should_ be happy. All in all, Zhan Yao should be happy and celebrate. Yet, he finds himself sulking. Aching.  
  
He has spent the first days on his own in his bed and he feels aweful. Not due to dreams, those have stopped, as predicted. But now he's presented by the loneliness of a once shared bed and somehow, that burns even deeper.

The dreams may have stopped, but the yearning inside him doesn’t. The desire to not go to bed alone, to have someone beside him to share it with. To have Bai Yutong back like that again. He groans. His eyes fall to window, dividing his office from the others. The blinders are not completely shut, making it easy to watch the other’s working outside. Just when he wants to go back to his files, his eyes catch onto Bai Yutong, who’s talking to Zhao Fue, an easy smile on his lips. His gaze stays on the lips. He still can feel them pressed against his skin. How it had felt having Bai Yutong so close…

Zhan Yao tears his eyes away from Bai Yutong and lets out a deep sigh. With a hand pressed against his beating heart he turns back to the files. He’s got huge problems.

Tonight they won’t go home together. He’d be by his own. Better get used to it sooner than later.

 

* * *

 

_[five days after the arrest]_

“I need you.”

  
“What do you mean? Zhan Yao?” Yutong puts away whatever he’s holding, turning around fully to Zhan Yao. Yutong’s eyes search his. He’s at Zhan Yao’s apartment again, for the first time in two days. But he’s not here to stay. Not if Zhan Yao is not doing anything about it.

Zhan Yao takes a deep breath. “I need you there. To sleep.”

Yutong’s eyes widen. “Are the nightmares back? I thought with Zhao Jue gone-“

Zhan Yao shakes his head, burying his hands deeper into the pockets of his trousers. This is even harder than imagined.

“It’s not about the nightmares.” He says, hoping it would be enough for Yutong to catch the drift.

Yutong blinks in surprise, eyes wide open, lips pouting a bit. It makes Zhan Yao want to kiss him even more than usual, if that’s possible. He tears his eyes away, looking at the oven instead of Yutong. Why does he have to make this so goddamn hard?

  
“It’s just… it feels wrong without you there. I got used to it. And… It’s okay if you say no, it’s just …”

“Okay.”

Now it’s Zhan Yao who is surprised. “Okay?” he asks, confused. “That’s it?”

“Yes, okay." Yutong shrugs.  "Could I ever say no to you?”

He doesn’t wait for a response and turns back to the oven, putting things into the pot Zhan Yao doesn’t even recognize.

Okay. That’s all it took.

“Can you get me the extra powder from your storage room? This one’s empty.” Bai Yutong shakes up an apparently empty package. When he notices Zhan Yao’s confused face he adds: “I’ve bought some new and restocked your supply cabinet, last week.”

Zhan Yao nods and does as he’s told and leaves the kitchen.

 _A simple question, a simple answer_ , he thinks, while skimming through the shelves. He should be relieved. Happy, even. Yutong would stay tonight, that’s what he has wanted, didn’t he? Zhan Yao looks at powder package in his hand. A frown appears on his face. He recalls the way Yutong had held himself, a little too stiff, too tense; how he had acted the past few days, the sadness in his eyes, the avoidance of him, Zhan Yao. He thinks about all this, and still finds no possible answer for the weird behaviour.  
Zhan Yao wanted him to stay, and he got exactly that. Then why is it, this doesn’t feel like a victory at all? Why does he feel just as unsure as before?

‘Could I ever say no to you?‘, Yutong has said. That sentence somehow sits wrong with Zhan Yao. He doesn’t want Yutong staying over because he wants to, he realizes, he wants Yutong to wish for it as well.

 

“Zhan Yao? Did you get lost there? Hurry up!”

 

Zhan Yao sighs, tugging away the uneasiness and puts on a smile, as he walks back into the kitchen.

 

* * *

 

_  [8 days after the arrest] _

 

Yutong had started to come over again, but he never stayed the night.

Zhan Yao had hoped they could go about it, without ever actually talking about it, just let everything run as it has for weeks now, naïve as it may had been. But… He looks up from his book and at Bai Yutong, who’s sitting next to him on his couch, reading something on his phone. He’s got his feet propped up on the couch, casually leaning against the cushions next to Zhan Yao, apparently completely lost in whatever he's reading. The familiarity of the scene makes his chest goes tight. This is what he wants, he realizes. What he has wanted now for years, if he’s honest to himself. Going all in, with all the possible aspects included. It’s what he wants, but is it what Yutong wants as well?

A touch to his hand lets Zhan Yao jolt out of his thoughts. Yutong’s fingers run over Zhan Yao’s hand, drawing little invisible circles. When he steals a glance, he finds Yutong is still concentrated on his phone, frowning at something, hidden von Zhan Yao’s view. The fingers wander up and down his arm, absentmindly. It’s a soft touch and at this moment, way too much for Zhan Yao to stand.

He takes in a deep breath, straightening in the process. “Bai Yutong?”

The fingers stop moving.

“We need to talk.”

Yutong snaps his hand back, as if he had burned himself. Zhan Yao could curse himself. Could there have been a worse way to start this off with? Looking at how Yutong’s startled expression turns into a cold mask, tells him the answer.

“What?”

It’s the look in his eyes, the way Yutong holds himself, a little to straight a little too stiff, the feet put on the ground again; it’s all that, that makes Zhan Yao regrets opening his mouth in the first place. But the damage is already done.

“We need to talk.”

“About what?”

“About us. About this”, he points between the both of them. “About the nights.”

“If you don’t need company, just say- “

“About the kisses.”

Zhan Yao watches Yutong’s eyes go wide, before he shuts them close. Zhan Yao holds his breath, watching him intently. Finally Yutong pinches the bridge of his nose and lets out a deep sigh. “I thought I’d been careful enough…”

Zhan Yao frowns at that, not really sure if he caught it right. “I need to know more than that.”

A short laugh escapes Yutong’s throat. It doesn’t sound happy at all.  
“I didn’t think you’ve noticed.”

At least he doesn’t deny it, Zhan Yao thinks.

“That doesn’t explain anything, Bai Yutong.”

Yutong’s eyes snap open, a wild shine to them. “Shit… what do you want me to say? What do you want to hear?!” His whole body has gone tense, face closed off. “I’m sorry, okay? I didn’t mean to overstep.”

This is definitely not the way Zhan Yao wanted this conversation to go. He shakes his head.  
  
“No”, he simply states.

“No? What do you mean no?”

“I mean that you are not sorry, not really. You may be sorry that I’ve noticed.” He holds Yutong’s look. He won’t back down, he won’t let Yutong get away too easy. “So, tell me, Yutong, why?”

Yutong shuts his eyes again, a contorted smile playing around his lips.

“Oh, Zhan Yao”, he shakes his head, slowly. “I would have never believed you to be this cruel.”

Zhan Yao ignores the sting Yutong's words leave behind in his chest and presses on. “Tell me. Why.”

With a quick jump Yutongs stands up and moves away from the couch, his retreat accompanied with frustrated groan. His chin set tight, as he looks down on Zhan Yao. “Oh, you pushy cat! It’s because I’ve wanted to kiss you? I’ve wanted for so long! I wanted to help you. Wanted to make you feel better.” He closes his eyes again. “Seeing you there, so pale, distressed and hurting… it was hard to bear. I would have done everything to make it better. To make you feel better. And myself, too.”

Zhan Yao blinks, trying to process what Yutong just said. “So, you wanted to make me feel better? And that’s all. Correct?” He watches Yutong, searches his eyes for a response, for something that would tell him something, anything really. Would tell him, where to go from here.

“What do you mean ‘that’s all’? How-“, his eyes narrow in on Zhan Yao. “Is this fun to you? Is this a game?!”

Zhan Yao shakes his head. “No, it’s not. I just need answers. I need the truth. I need you to say it.” He hesitates. “No matter what you want to say.”

He steels himself for the blow, he just wants this over, wants to know. He needs closure above anything else. Even if Yutong rejects him now, he at least would know and could start on healing his heart. And for the slim chance of Yutong actually reciprocating his feelings … no, he doesn’t dare to dream. Not yet.

Yutong stares at him, as if he’s unsure what to say, as if he doesn’t get what Zhan Yao just asked him to do.

“Someone help, no! Zhan Yao, I-“, something in his eyes changes, Zhan Yao sees it. His voice is calm and controlled when he continues. “I want to kiss you. I thought stealing one or two at night would be enough, but it’s not. I – I’m sorry, but…”

“You wanted to comfort me?” Zhan Yao interrupts him.

“Yes. No. That’s not all. I- I want to kiss you all the time. When you sit next to me. When you frown over a text you disagree with and that little wrinkle between your eyes appears – I want to kiss it away. When you come out the shower, still flushed. I want to kiss you all the time. Whenever you are around me. That’s the problem! Don’t you understand?!”

Yutong looks so defeated, so unhappy, it makes Zhan Yao’s stomach turn, but despite it, he knows more than Yutong and because of that he can’t fight the smile forming around his lips. When Yutong says the truth, there may be hope. For them. He feels giddy just at the possibility.

“If you want me to leave that’s fine”, Yutong says lowly, before looking at Zhan Yao once more. He hesitates. “Why are you grinning like that?”

“I don’t see a problem there.”

Zhan Yao can’t help but laugh, as he sees Yutong’s confused stare, the lips slightly parted, his eyes wide, questioning, glued on Zhan Yao.

“I don’t know what you mean. Zhan Yao?” Bai Yutong’s voice is small, controlled but yet.

Zhan Yao stands up, closing the gap between them both with quick steps. Yutong doesn’t move. Zhan Yao takes this as an invitation to come closer and brings up his hand to Yutong’s face. He lets his thump run over Yutong’s bottom lip, noticing with glee how Yutong’s breath hitches at the touch.

“I don’t see a problem”, Zhan Yao repeats and meets Yutong’s eyes. “Because I want to kiss you all the time, too.”

Yutong just continues to stare, not moving and for a moment Zhan Yao doubts his bravery. Has he misread Yutong’s words?

But he doesn’t have to worry too long, because soon enough a shiver runs through Yutong and suddenly he finds himself getting pulled into a close embrace. Familiar lips crash against his, desperate for the contact and Zhan Yao just lets himself be carried away by the feeling of Yutong’s lips moving against his. The frantic movement and the steadiness of the arms wrapped around him - how often has he thought about this moment?

They break away shortly, with both of them panting heavily. Yutong’s eyes are clouded, his face flushed. Zhan Yao grins, filled up with happiness from head to toe.

“You mischievous cat”, Yutong grits out, confused eyes still on Zhan Yao. He simply smiles back at him and that seems to make him believe, to relax, for Yutong's eyes going soft, a smile tuggging at the corner of his lips. He laughs shortly and presses himself against Zhan Yao again, chasing in for another kiss. Zhan Yao is happy to oblige. This kiss is slower, somehow sweeter. Yutong taking more time to explore his mouth, hands steady on his back. Zhan Yao irks into the touch, nipping at Yutong’s lower lip, making the other man wimper lowly. Satification runs through Zhan Yao.

How could he had gone without this for so long?

 

“What took you so long?” Zhan Yao can’t help but poke fun at Yutong, now that he knows it will be okay. That they will be okay.

Yutong’s eyes open with a snap, a dangerous shine to them. “What took me so long? What about you? I thought, between us you see yourself as the genius?” Yutong counters a mocking smile to his lips. He locks his hands between the small of Zhan Yao’s back holding his gaze, never letting go of him once.

“I am. But you are the people-person.” Zhan Yao shrugs, stealing another quick kiss. Just because he can now. “You are better when it comes to the hands-on parts regarding the emotions. You are better when it comes to love.”

Yutong goes still at that last word.

Zhan Yao frowns. “Am I going too fast? I know this is not really the pace one normally goes, but… I’ve known for some while now.”

Yutong shakes his head. “No, no. It’s just”, his voice croaks a little, “I didn’t expect it just yet. Or at all.”

Zhan Yao moves his hand to Yutong’s neck pulling him close again.

“Well, then listen closely." Zhan Yao leans in, stopping just before their lips meet. "I love you, Yutong.” Zhan Yao whispers. An unplaceable sound escapes Yutong, before he captures Zhan Yao's lips in a bruising kiss, once more. They move against one another, an embrace so natural to them. But now, Zhan Yao thinks, now it's real. When they part they are both breathing heavily.

“I love you, too.” Yutong says, a smile taking over his face.

Pure joy takes over Zhan Yao.

“So, are you staying the night?”

Yutong shakes his head and laughs. Zhan Yao’s heart speeds up as Yutong lets his head sink against his shoulder, still haven’t answered yet.

“Yes, yes, silly cat, I’ll stay the night.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what can I say?  
> I wrote a kissing scene and gave up somewhere in the middle. My apologies. Just takes this from the fanfiction if you want to take away anything: Both, Bai Yutong and Zhan Yao, are idiots and they are in love. Thank god they've started talking ONCE in their lives.
> 
> as always thank you for reading and feedback is always well appreciated <3


	4. Extra

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This time, the nightmares chase Bai Yutong

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not sure if it's needed but still: be warned, there will be some dark nightmares described throughout this work, including violence.

Bai Yutong wakes up with a jolt.

His breath goes quickly.

Harsh intakes of air making his body shake.

Pain burns through his chest. Every move, every intake of air, everything makes fire run through him. His head is dizzy. His lungs are burning, aching. He can feel the panic pulsing through him. His pulse throbbing against the inside of his skin.

Like his heart wants to escape.

He tries to filter through the mist in his brain. Tries to find a path through all the mud and confusion. He takes in a deep breath and another, trying to calm himself. With the slowing down of his breathing, the other senses come back to him. He concentrates on the sounds around him. He listens into the dark room, careful, cautious. Yet he is met with silence. Which is good. No apparent danger at least.

_Where is he?  
What happened?_

Yutong blinks, body still tense, and waits for his eyes to adjust to the darkness of the room.

_There._

Familiar shapes start filling in his view, painting a familiar picture of black and blues. The lamp by the window, the chair propped by the cupboard, some clothes draped over the back of it…

He’s in his bed. In his room.

The familiarity lets relief starting to fill him up, bit by bit replacing the panic rummaging through him. With the adrenaline slowly leaving his system he starts to take in even more details of his surroundings.

The soft feeling of the mattress underneath him, the almost unhearable whirring sound from the plucked in computer by the bed. He now realizes how his shirt clings to his skin, wetted by sweat. It’s dampening his skin. The air is cold. It makes a shiver run down his spine as it meets the damp skin.

_Where are his blankets?_

A sudden movement next to him catches his attention, making him tense up again on instinct. He whips around, hands up in front of his chest, ready for whatever it will be, when his eyes fall on Zhan Yao, laying next to him. He lets his hands sink.

Zhan Yao has rolled over in his sleep, a low groan escaping his throat as he nestles deeper into Yutong’s now vacant pillow. The sound gets muffled by the fabric, but his hand keeps moving. Yutong watches the sleeping Zhan Yao reaching out, towards where Yutong must have laid seconds before.

_Searching for him?_ Yutong thinks ~~.~~ Yutong’s chest tightens.

He tears his eyes away from Zhan Yao, towards the end of the bed. It’s where he spots the missing blankets. Probably thrown off by him, before waking up. Yutong reaches out for them, careful not to make too much movements or sound, in fear of waking Zhan Yao up. When his hands meet the soft fabric he tucks carefully, pulling them up and back over Zhan Yao’s sleeping frame.

This amount of care is, of course, not necessary, since Zhan Yao can sleep through _everything_. If he’s just tired enough, that is. In general, though, the cat is blessed with a very deep sleep. Sometimes, Yutong envies him for his ability to sleep through every sound or happening.

Yutong himself is a very light sleeper. Then again, he thinks back to all the times when his particular light sleep has come in handy for him… And straight up saved his life a couple of times, too. He wouldn’t want to miss it. Not really.

Yutong has always had a light sleep. Military training and now his operations at the police have done the rest. He’s content with it.

Zhan Yao, however, has had never found himself in need to abandon his deep sleep status for the ability to wake up at any sound.

Much to Yutong’s relief – only imagining Zhan Yao in the military makes his blood go cold. All these dangerous maneuvers and operations, the pain, the danger – death. And his cat in the middle of all that? **No**.

Then again, being a consultant for the police force and now even being part of the S.C.I. isn’t exactly safe work either and has already put Zhan Yao in the line of danger far too often for Yutong’s liking. He’s very aware of this fact.

_Especially, after what has happened just yesterday._

Pictures from this night’s dream flash up again, flooding his mind, manifesting in front of his inner eyes, making his insides turn once more this night.

Zhan Yao captures. A gun to his head. Blood covering his face. Blood on his clothes. Blood on the ground. So much blood.

Too much blood.

The memory alone makes panic rise again.

_Breathe_ , he tells himself, pushing away the unpleasant feelings, boiling up inside him. Panic, sure – and anger.

_It’s been a close shot. Too close._ He thinks.

His eyes dart back to Zhan Yao, who has settled into Yutong’s usual spot by now, still fast asleep as it seems, his searching hand still on Yutong’s former place. His peaceful expression, half way hid by the pillow and the gloominess of the night, forming a drastic counterpoint to the turmoil fighting inside Yutong right now.

He takes in another deep breath, repeating his well learned mantra.

_They are safe. He is okay. They are okay._

_Okay_ , he thinks, eyes still on Zhan Yao’s face.

_Okay, maybe, yes. But not unhurt._

The whiteness flashing from Zhan Yao’s cheek up at him, sure enough reminds him of that. Mocking him. Even the dim light of the room can’t hide the bandages covering Zhan Yao’s face and neck. A testament to how wrong last day’s job truly went. Of how further wrong it could have gone.

A stable reminder of him, Yutong, failing Zhan Yao.

**_He had almost lost him._ **

The pictures mix up in his brains. Scenes from earlier bleed into even worse scenarios, produced by his subconsciousness, unleashed by the night. It’s hard to depict what has been real and what has to be credited to the overexposure of his brain.

He knows it’s a mind trick; he knows.

But still, he can’t fight the narrowness spreading inside his chest, like black goo, taking over him. Can’t pick up the weight pushing down on his heart and chest. It’s to no use. Applying logic, won’t help. The aftermath stays.

Looking down at Zhan Yao, he considers, just laying down again, pushing away every unpleasant emotion, pretending like nothing has happened and try to catch some more sleep.

But something inside of him keeps him from moving in closer, something is holding him back. Reaching out, touching Zhan Yao… it feels like … too much.

Dangerous.

The room suddenly feels too dark, the bed too small, the distance between them too much to bear. Restlessness takes a hold of him, leaving behind only one thought on his mind: flight.

He needs to step out for a moment.   
Needs some fresh air.  
Needs some space.

  
_Maybe some water_ , he thinks, swallowing against the dryness of his mouth. Shuddering at the feeling of sandpaper rubbing against his throat.

A last check up on the sleeping cat and he slips out of bed, without making a sound.

Zhan Yao may be a light sleeper, but Yutong really doesn’t want to test his luck tonight. He doesn’t need comfort tonight. Tonight, he needs space and silence.

So, he quietly makes his way for the door, snatching a fresh shirt from the drawer to replace the wet one and heads for the kitchen.

 

* * *

 

It’s here – behind his kitchen island, between the counters of polished marble – that Yutong finds sanctuary. With his back braced against the counter he takes a big gulp of water, the glass heavy in his hand. Looking down at it, weighing it and watching the artistry cuts in the glass reflect the lights from above, he ponders what to do with the rest of the night. His head still buzzes, an unpleasant pressure working behind his temples.

Sleep, he’s decided already, is out of the question.

He could go over some of the files notes he did earlier. Could pin down parts for the report, he still needs to finish. But then, only thinking about the case makes heaviness wash over him.

So, no work for him tonight.

A workout maybe me? It would put his mind at ease… the aching in his muscles and the pounding inside his head, urges him to postpone these plans, though. It had been a taxing day on his own, no need to strain his battered body even more.

He could check out the newest addition to his dvd collection his sister brought him at her last visit. Until now, with the case filling up all of his time, he hasn’t found the time to do so in the past weeks.

While he still muses, if sneaking into the bedroom to get his headphones and possibly waking Zhan Yao up in the go, is worth it, Zhan Yao trots into the kitchen.

All the thoughts previously occupying Yutong’s mind go silent.

 

“You are awake?” The disbelief is prominent in his tone.

Zhan Yao blinks at him, tired eyes trying to snatch into focus.

_He always needs to time to wake up in the morning_ , he thinks with a spark of fondness, as he watches him step closer. And closer. Yutong feels the way his muscles tense up again.

Zhan Yao yawns, stopping in front of Yutong, his eyes pointed at him.

“The bed felt empty. Too cold.”

Yutong can’t help but snort at that. When Zhan Yao is tired, his filters tend to just shut off. (It’s quiet adorable.) He straightens up, mustering up an easy smile, trying hard to not look like it’s a fake one.

“Of course”, he puts down the glass, stemming his hands onto his hips. “What a spoiled cat I’ve got myself, tsk.”

Yutong stops himself last second from wincing at the sound of his voice. With its pitch way too high and cheery, it sounds fake even to his own ears. But still, taking in how Zhan Yao is still being half asleep, maybe he wouldn’t notice?

He studies his face, weary to find any clues on Zhan Yao’s state of mind.

He can see the way Zhan Yao’s nose scrunches up and he looks like he wants to say something but instead opts to step forward, right into Yutong’s space and further until he crashes against his chest, pressing his nose into the crook of Yutong’s neck. A particular cold nose. Yutong flinches at the sudden impact against his skin.

“Ahh, get away your icicle!” Yutong whines, but doesn’t move to push Zhan Yao away. In contrary even: his hands have come up on instinct, wrapping around Zhan Yao and pulling him a bit closer. (So much for his need of space)

Zhan Yao nestles closer. “It’s your fault”, he mumbles into Yutong’s skin.

Yutong’s throat tightens.

“You always keep the heating so low! It’s like Siberia!”

“What!”, Yutong protests. “It’s my apartment! And I like it cold! Not everyone can live in a sauna, like you.”

Zhan Yao mumbles something intelligible and despite his aggravation, Yutong starts rubbing his hands over Zhan Yao’s back, drawing little circles. Partly to make him feel warmer and distract him from asking too invasive questions on his mental state; partly to give his hands something to do. His fingers itch for something else, though, but he doesn’t know what. And he has no time to look into that right now. Not with a half asleep, yet searching Zhan Yao at hand. So he opts for ignoring the uneasiness inside him. Again. Easy banter he can do. At least for now. Maybe it will be enough to fool Zhan Yao and grant him some peace of mind for the rest of the night.

_At least the pounding inside behind his temples has stopped_ , he realizes, letting his hands wander over Zhan Yao’s back. He feels Zhan Yao sighing and irking into the touch and closes his eyes.

Despite the storm inside his head – and to his surprise – the familiarity of Zhan Yao’s body against his, the trusted weight in his arms, the smell of his shampoo on Zhan Yao – all of this combined makes the knot inside his stomach loosen up, even if it’s just a bit. Yutong doesn’t want to question, why something, that just had appeared to be unbearable only minutes ago in the privacy of his bedroom, has such a calming impact on him now.

They stand like this for a moment, before Zhan Yao begins to retract – way too early for Yutong’s liking – moving his hands from Yutong’s back to his chest. He stares down, not meeting Yutong’s eyes, a frown settling on his face.

“That’s not the shirt you went to bed with.”

Yutong freezes.

“What?”

“Why the new shirt?”

“What?”

“The smell. It’s fresh.”

After a moment of shock, Yutong acts affronted.

“Are you implying I was smelly before?!”

_Easy banter_ , he reminds himself. _That’s what they do. That’s what he can do._

Zhan Yao rolls his eyes, exasperation visible on his features. “Not my words.” He taps an index finger against Yutong’s chest.

“It’s freshly washed and smells like detergent. It doesn’t smell like you. Or me.”   
Yutong blinks at him, still confused by the sudden turn of conversation.

“You just came out of bed and got nowhere to go. So, why changing?”

Yutong finally recovers, making sure to sound extra non-chalance when he answers. “I was getting something to drink and spilled some water on it. And wanted a dry one. It’s not that deep, you know.”

_It’s not even a complete lie_ , he reminds himself, bringing his arms in front of his chest, between them. His shirt _had been_ wet. If by stress sweat or water – details, really.

Zhan Yao stays silent, visibly considering Yutong’s excuse. He can practically see his mind at work. Hopefully he’ll just let is slip and won’t ask further.

He feels way too tired to talk feelings tonight.

“Then”, Zhan Yao starts, his scrutinizing look firmly on Yutong. “- you would have had to come back into the bedroom to get a new one, which you didn’t.”

“Maybe, you slept through it-“, Yutong tries but Zhan Yao won’t budge.

“Not likely, since I’ve woken up when you left. I waited for you to come back, which you didn’t. Which means you are lying right now. And that leads me to the question: why?”

“I-“

“What’s wrong, Yutong?”

“Why should anything be wrong?!” Yutong’s voice betrays him with a far too high pitch to be considered anything close to casual. Again.

Fooling Zhan Yao is hard on its own, even for Yutong. Doing so at night with ones’ emotions taking rollercoaster rides? Doesn’t sound too promising…

“Okay”, Zhan Yao’s words make him snap back into focus. “For starters: you are awake at 3 a.m. and are standing in the kitchen.”

“Yeah, so are you.”

What a witty comeback, Yutong wants to slap himself for it. Way to go!

Now it’s Zhan Yao’s turn to cross his arms. “Yes I am. I’m here because you wouldn’t come back to bed. Also, stop trying to avoid answering the actual question.”

“I thought, you like solving puzzles and mind reading, Dr. Zhan. Impress me.”

Yutong glares back. Meeting Zhan Yao’s eyes, makes him worry if he’d done a mistake, though.

“Letting me analyze you – another point for the acting-strange-list. But, okay.” Zhan Yao makes a pause, as if he’s preparing a list in front of his inner eyes, ready to check it off.

“Yesterday has been a taxing day for you – physically and mentally. Taking in all the fighting and running that happened. Adding the psychological weight of you being the head of the operation, the jarring images at the crime scene and the hostage situation –“

Yutong winces at that. _Hostage situation_ – it makes it sound so _clean_ and _easy_.

Zhan Yao continues without missing a beat. “Taking all that in, in all means you should be exhausted and sleeping through. Except if you are still high on adrenaline and can’t put your mind to silence. In that case, something has probably triggered you. Let it be your mind replaying memories keeping you from falling asleep or-“ he stops for a moment, trying to find Yutong’s eyes, but Yutong pointedly looks in another direction. “-or something else has triggered the hormone release. Like a dream, for example.”

Yutong doesn’t answer. He knows Zhan Yao doesn’t really expect one, anyway. Instead he keeps on staring at a point somewhere behind Zhan Yao’s head, holding his breath. Just like apprehended Zhan Yao continues, without further input of him.

“If we also take in your short temper at the moment, your unwillingness to hold a civil conversation and answer easy questions. Lying, when there’s no apparent reason. You not being in bed. The new shirt. The haunted look in your eyes –“

“Will you stop it now!? That’s enough analyzing for one night!”

Yutong can’t take it anymore! Not Zhan Yao ticking off all the things bugging Yutong, not his way too calm and neutral voice, can’t take his cool measuring eyes… it’s enough!

Zhan Yao makes clicking sound with his tongue, visibly unimpressed. “Mood swings! Look at you! First you tell me to analyze you and now you want me to stop?”

Rage starts firing up and he finally raises his eyes and meets Zhan Yao’s. At seeing the dourly shine in them, he realizes his mistake.

“What did you see?”

Zhan Yao’s eyes are like steal, locked with his, the voice firm and calm. Yutong’s throat swallows, hard.

He knows this look. He’s seen it at work plenty of times. Has watched Zhan Yao use this tone of voice, this sternness during his interrogations.

It’s then that Yutong’s stubbornness finally resurfaces.

_He won’t let Zhan Yao use his work utensils on him! Being interrogated like a suspect! In his own house!_

He may not be on top of his game tonight, but that won’t stop him from at least trying to withstand Zhan Yao! He sticks out his chin, riposting the glare.

“I don’t know what you are talking about. Besides, it’s not like it’s any of your business. So, if you excuse me? I’m done with this little game of yours.” Yutong moves forward, trying to get past Zhan Yao, who stops him right away, grabbing onto his arm.

“It’s not a game.”

Yutong ignores him, trying to pry his hands off. But the cat won’t budge, keeping his claws right where they are: on Yutong.

He curses the cat’s perseverance!

He just wants to get away, god damn it!

“Yutong.” Zhan Yao’s voice is quiet. His chest tightens at the sudden shift of tone. The sound is way too soft for Yutong to handle.

“Yutong?” And again.

He forces his eyes shut, letting out a shuddery breath. Resisting Zhan Yao’s competitive stance is easy. Not budging at his clear commands, totally doable. But him acting soft and pleading… Yutong is not without weakness!

“Yutong, you can tell me. What keeps you up? What kind of nightmare is it?”

Zhan Yao’s hand feels warm on his hand, he’s standing too close, making it hard to breathe for him, but not like his breathlessness before. Still…

If he meets Zhan Yao’s eyes now – big pleading eyes, he’s sure – Yutong would give in, he knows this. Zhan Yao rarely plays fair. And he knows about Yutong’s weak points. That’s why he keeps his eyes firmly on the wall in front of him, far away from Zhan Yao’s face. The silence stretches out between them.

He can feel a subtle tugging at his hand, still trapped within Zhan Yao’s hand.

“You play dirty, Dr. Zhan”, Yutong grits out between his teeth, his resistance crumbling.

“I know.” Zhan Yao’s answer comes lightly.

It makes Yutong laugh halfheartedly, shaking his head.

Another moment passes without either of them saying a word. Finally, Zhan Yao sighs. And lets go of Yutong’s arm.

“Fine. Keep it to yourself, if it helps you. But just know, I’m always here to listen.” Zhan Yao hesitates. “It surely helped me, telling you about my nightmares.”

Even without the hand holding him in place, Yutong stays put. They are so close and yet…

“I-“, he starts, but stops at a loss of words. “I can’t.”

Yutong knows this isn’t fair. In the end Zhan Yao had entrusted him with the pictures, which had haunted him only weeks ago. But now that it is his turn… Yutong finds himself unable to speak. Unable to share the trust. And he doesn’t even know why.

What is he afraid of, really? Lack of understanding? Ridicule? Worry? Guilt? Or something else completely?

This isn’t about weather or not loosing his face in front of Zhan Yao. Both of them know, he’s well past that. Well past, keeping up a façade of indifference, past keeping hidden just how much he truly cares for Zhan Yao and what he would do for him. The expense he’s willing to take on for him. And he’s very aware just how much power his Zhan Yao holds over him. How much it affects him and his actions.

Telling him about his nightmares wouldn’t give any more power, than he already holds over him.

Him not being able to share what’s bothering him, has nothing to do with not trusting Zhan Yao. It’s something else, even if he doesn’t know yet, what it is.

Conjuring up the memories hurts deeply, but that’s not it either.

And he’s sure, Zhan Yao could handle them. He knows. Zhan Yao’s nightmares must had been worse. Let alone what they’ve seen at daily at work.

Compared to all of this, his own nightmares are trivial at best.

But the emotions they provoke are very real.

_He’s … afraid_ , Yutong realizes.

He rarely is, but this time… this time it’s true.

He’s afraid, for what he’s seen, for what might happen. Afraid of what has already happened. Of what he hadn’t been able to do. Of what he had to endure. Of what ZHAN YAO had to endure… he couldn’t change anything. Couldn’t stop it. Couldn’t protect him.

Talking about it, won’t help, for it wouldn’t change any of these facts. He had failed.

 

“I’m sorry”, Yutong adds, hoping for Zhan Yao to get it.

Zhan Yao looks at him, but doesn’t say anything. Finally, he sighs, looking away.

Yutong could have sworn he’s seen hurt flashing up in those dark eyes, before Zhan Yao averted his eyes. The look has been fleeting, if ever been there, and instead a small, private smile appears on his face. (It almost reaches his eyes, Yutong notices.)

“Okay.” Zhan Yao’s voice is so very quiet. “Will you come to bed?” A pause. “It’s really cold alone on your own.”

Yutong can’t help but laugh, even now. A real laugh, too, to his own surprise.

“Spoiled cat”, he laughs, almost forgetting the unrest inside him. “Yes. Yes. Go ahead, I’ll be right with you.”

A last look and Zhan Yao brushes past him, towards the bedroom.

When he’s alone again, he lets out a deep sigh, grabbing for the counter for balance, suddenly feeling very, very tired.

Going back to bed is promising, to just let himself hide underneath he covers, pressing close against Zhan Yao and ignoring every bad thought on his mind… That, OR more agonizing nightmares.

_But does he really have a choice?_ He lets out another deep sigh.

_No. He doesn’t. Not after telling Zhan Yao to wait up._

_Maybe it will turn out fine._

_Maybe the dreams won’t come back._

_Maybe._

* * *

 

 

When he enters the bedroom, Zhan Yao already is in bed again. The bedside lamp is still on, casting a soft light into the room. Yutong can’t help but smile. Zhan Yao’s eyes are on him, expectantly, but he remains silent, waiting for Yutong to move on his own time.

And Zhan Yao sticks to not asking further questions, or trying to start another conversation, much to Yutong’s surprise. He lays down next to Zhan Yao and lets himself we swiped up into his arms. With Zhan Yao firmly wrapped around him, he settles down into the cushions and closes his eyes. They lay like this, face to face, close enough to feel the other’s breath, arms wrapped around each other.

It’s soothing, the familiar thrill runs through Yutong, making him feel content. Maybe, he thinks cautiously as he feels his muscles slowly relaxing, maybe this could help.

The room doesn’t feel too small anymore, neither does the bed. And the touch … doesn’t feel like a burning torch anymore, either. He takes another deep breath and let his concentration wander, trying to loose himself in the closeness and shared warmth.

Sleep takes its time claiming Yutong, and when it does, Zhan Yao’s arms are still firmly around him.

 

* * *

 

They still are, when he jumps awake in the early morning hours, a shrill whistling sound ringing in his ears. Head and heart are pounding rabbit fast. The whistling a strong pressure on his head. His hands shoot up to his ears, pressing down hardly, desperate to make it stop. The ringing, the pressure… all of it.

“Yutong?”

After a moment of orientation Zhan Yao is by his side, his hands on Yutong’s shoulder, pressing down surprisingly hard. Yutong hardly notices.

Yutong squeezes his eyes shut, desperate to block out the sound of the whistle, uncaring for the man beside him.

In the next moment his hands are being pried from his eyes, hold between Zhan Yao’s, his eyes firmly on Yutong and his lips moving. Yutong stares at him.

Slowly careful words start to replace the deafening whistle sound bit by bit.

“Yutong… hey, Yutong.”

Yutong only stares.

_Zhan Yao._

“Yutong? Can you hear me? I’m here. Yutong, _breathe._ ”

He does as he’s told. Of course he does.

_Zhan Yao…_

The images inside his mind roll over him, burying him underneath. Pain flashes through him. There are just too many images. Scenes. Memories. Fear and made up situations. Zhan Yao covered in blood. Cuts all over him. A knife glistening in the light of the room; a cheap neon tube, bolted into the narrow ceiling giving out only flickering light and making it looks like ghosts are dashing through the room and over Zhan Yao’s body.

Zhan Yao, who doesn’t move. Doesn’t blink. Only bleeds. Why is the knife still at his throat? Why is he sitting there so still?! Why won’t Zhan Yao move? Why can’t he himself move?! With horror he watches the blade inching closer to Zhan Yao’s throat, while he is frozen in place. He watches it meet skin. Break skin. And then… more blood.

Then.

Zhan Yao on his knees, barely holding himself upright, a gun against his temple. The cut on his throat still oozing, but the guy next to him doesn’t blink. A dangerous murderous shine lays in the guy’s eyes, as he presses the barrel deeper into Zhan Yao’s temple. Yutong just knows, it’s already leaving behind a mark. A grim laugh hollows through the air. Or was it a shot?

Zhan Yao sinks to the ground. Unnatural stillness. Only the blood flowing.

It’s flowing everywhere.

 

“YUTONG, BREATHE!”

_Zhan Yao…_

Yutong’s face gets turned towards Zhan Yao, his hands pressing into each side of his face.

He looks so… fuzzy. Like a mist hanging between them. He can see Zhan Yao’s lips move, but hears no sound. Only the blood rushing through his ears. And the echo of gunshots.

“Yutong?”

Yutong stares at him. What is he saying? He stares into Zhan Yao’s eyes. Still trained on him, still calm despite everything. Still… alive.

Slowly, Yutong feels the calmness spread through him, claiming his body. And the world gains back its sounds. Muffled, but… there.

“Yutong, relax, slow intakes of breath… hold it… and out… good. Once more.”

Yutong obeys. He closes his eyes and breathes, only listening in on the familiar voice. Slowly but surely he calms down.

“Good. Now. Look at me.”

And Yutong does.

“You are okay”, Zhan Yao says. The movement lets Yutong’s eyes dart back to Zhan Yao’s cheek, where the white bandage still shines against battered skin. Without realizing, he raises his hand, reaching out for it. His fingers dance over the antiseptic fabric. He doesn’t touch it, too afraid to cause Zhan Yao even more pain.

_He had caused him enough already._

_It had all been his fault. He had miscalculated. Assorted the situation wrongly and Zhan Yao had paid for it. Almost with his life. Yutong had failed him. The bandages being proof of it._   
His face hardens.

Zhan Yao goes completely still underneath the almost touch. His worried face turns open in an instant, his mouth forming a small oh-sound.

“Of course!”, Zhan Yao mumbles, followed by a choked up laugh. “Yutong ** _. I_** am fine.”

He reaches up, laying his hand above Yutong’s hovering one, pressing it gently against his skin. Yutong flinches.

“Yutong…”

“You are hurt.”

“Yutong.”

“And… in the dreams…you”, Yutong stops, his body tightening up. “You were hurt. Cut, shot at … you were-“

“Dead?” Zhan Yao offers.

Yutong can only nod.

“But I’m not.”

“I know.”

“I’m here.”

“ _I know.”_

“Also-“

Yutong groans in frustration, finally meeting Zhan Yao’s eyes, as he rips away his hand from Zhan Yao’s touch.

“You almost died! You did! And all I could do was watch- you almost died because of me!”

“That’s not-“

Yutong turns away briskly, arms wrapping around himself.   
  
“I saw you die. Time and time again. Do you know how it feels, when you don’t know what’s reality and what’s not, when you wake up?”

He pauses.

“Do you know how it feels, when you wake up… and can’t be sure if this is the time you didn’t make it? That you laying next to me, is just a cruel trick of my brain to punish me and that I will wake up any minute to an empty bed? I – “, Yutong takes a deep breath, his shoulders visibly shaking.

He hates this. He hates not being in control of his emotions and himself!

“I don’t. I don’t know how it feels.” Zhan Yao has moved behind him. His arms cautiously wrapping around him. He presses a soft kiss to the back of Yutong’s neck, ignoring the subtle shiver running through Yutong for his sake.

  
“But I’m here.” Zhan Yao says, still leaning against him.  
“I am here, and I trust **you** to make sure I will stay here – safe and alive.”

Yutong closes his eyes, holding back the wetness creeping up. Sometimes he wonders how Zhan Yao, who is so often lost in his professional lingo, still can say things so cheesy. And exactly at the right time, too. But is it enough?

He wishes, he could believe Zhan Yao.   
He wishes, he could be just as sure as him, that he would be able to keep him save.   
Unbendable trust… He wishes he could feel like this.   
But he can’t. Not anymore.

His voice suggests gained back control, when he speaks again. He squares up, pushing down every emotion crowding his mind. Storing it away for later, for when he’s alone.

“Lets forget about this. I know it’s only a mind trick. I know that emotions are seldomly logical. Neither are nightmares. This will pass. Just like all nightmares do. It’s just… a lot tonight.”

“That’s not-“, Zhan Yao starts but stops himself. “Not tonight, I won’t discuss with you tonight. Not about the importance of dreams or anything.”

“Thanks for sparing me, I guess.” He’s only half joking, when he answers.

He leans back, because he’s too tired to act like he doesn’t need it. Like he doesn’t want Zhan Yao right here with him. He doesn’t want to talk. Doesn’t want to think about the dreams. But having Zhan Yao here as a living proof not only of his failure but also as a pure reminder of this: Zhan Yao is alive.   
He’s too far gone tonight to not snatch onto that cheap pearlstring of hope. So he leans back against Zhan Yao’s chest, who adjusts his grip, resting his head on Yutong’s shoulder.

“I mean it”, Zhan Yao says, squeezing shortly. “I trust you. With my life.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t”, Yutong mumbles.

“What was that?”

“Nothing.”

Zhan Yao sighs. Yutong can feel it against his back. “Okay.”   
It sounds more spoken to himself than Yutong.

Then:  
“How can I help you?”

Yutong considers this for a moment, surprised. He considers the feeling of warmth around him, the familiar pressure of Zhan Yao against him, the quiet of the room…

“Just… just be there.” He finally manages.

“I will.”

Yutong nods. Relief washing over him. But it can’t wash away the knot inside his stomach.

 

He failed once, he will fail again. And Zhan Yao would be too blind to see it.

But Yutong isn’t blind anymore. He knows.

 

They lay silent for a while. Both on their sides with Zhan Yao hugging Yutong from the back, for a change. Yutong tries to breathe evenly. Even if the sleep won’t come, he can still grant his body some relaxation, he thinks.

Zhan Yao seems to have fallen asleep already, Yutong grants himself a small smile. If there’s no academic writing keeping him awake, Zhan Yao could sleep for days. Just like a true cat does.

Without a warning, his grip on Yutong tightens, a small mumbling capturing Yutong’s attention.

He listens close, trying to get whatever Zhan Yao says.

“I trust you. You’ll always come for me. I know.”

And just like that Zhan Yao is out again, snoring softly into his ears. Yutong lets out a shuddery breath, closing his eyes.

Something sets within him. Some knowledge, heavy like the truth.

_He will fail_ , Yutong thinks again, for the hundredth time tonight, he’s sure. He will fail and not be enough to protect Zhan Yao. But he will give everything to stop it. Even if everything means his own life.

He can do so much. He can give himself.

And he only hopes… that it will be enough.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter's origin:   
> \- ha! I want this fic to be over 10k words! that would be awesome!  
> \- oh! BYT having the nightmares this time! wouldn't that be cute? :D  
> \- hihi  
> \- wait...  
> \- no!  
> \- how the hell did we end up here?!   
> \- oh god! why!?  
> ~  
> in all seriousness: thank you for reading and let yourself be warned: this author is very bad at keeping stories finished... whoopsie. 
> 
> you can find me on my tumblr at redfeathered   
> and thank you for reading ♥


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